Earlier today at a press conference in its home in Anchorage, Alaska, a heartbroken, tear-stained Earth announced that it is canceling Earth Day.
“I just don’t feel like celebrating this year,” said the melancholy Earth to a hushed crowd of reporters and environmentalists. “I hand-wrote invitations to all of the 7.075 billion people I wanted to invite, but then I realized that most of these people aren’t my friends. Most of them don’t care about me at all.”
The Earth attributed its decision to a new-found maturity that opened its eyes to the one-way relationship most people have with the Earth, who it turns out have been ironically celebrating Earth Day since its inception in 1970.
“People are just using me for my stuff,” said the Earth, who noted that it had given countless gifts to humanity every single day of humanity’s life, like breathable air, drinkable water, and over 20,000 species of edible plants. In return, the Earth said, humanity has given the Earth gifts that it describes as ranging from “pretty tasteless to downright mean,” including pesticides, genetically engineered crops, and season tickets to NASCAR.
“If I cancel Earth Day, maybe I’ll stop people from re-gifting me the presents I’ve given them that they don’t know how to use properly,” said the Earth sadly, showing reporters some pictures of the landfills of trash it receives from humanity every year in anticipation of its Day.
Asked to comment, people said, “I can’t talk about this right now. I’ve got tickets to a competitive eating contest,” as they sped away in their sport utility vehicles from their houses, where they had left all the lights on.
“There’s just nothing to celebrate,” said the Earth in conclusion. At press time, the Earth was dejectedly clicking ‘Not Attending’ on its own Facebook event page.
Happy April Fool’s Day!
